is there a term for ‘consistently doing things wrong’?
because i would like to apply it to my life.
Would anyone like to watch The First Time? I’ve been debating streaming it.
Have you ever just been so mad at yourself?
Have you ever found the moment where you could scream so you did until it hurt and nothing felt worse, not even when you took that entire pack and you smoked it to the very edge of their filters? Where you whip your phone and you scream some more because the atmosphere begs for it.
Because you don’t know what happened, even now, and it’s been years and you’re still crying and you think stop, stop, fucking stop, and it doesn’t. And you realize, you just finally figure it the fuck out, that every word anyone has ever told you in regards to how better it is going to get - is a lie.
And you’re tired, and it’s not the kind of tired you can press into the pillow and make go away. It’s not something you wake up from, with muscles noodles from sleep and a pleasant buzz in your head because you slept those six hours you missed.
Maybe it’s not being mad at yourself as it is just being a thing. A thing that feels mad, sad, maybe everything - all at once. It’s a weight and it sits on your chest, and it has breath that smells sour. It has claws and they dig curiously at your skin until it can see bone and it laughs, then, a cruel and cold sound that makes a home in the knots of your spine.
It’s me, all the time, and I want it to go away to some dank hole and stay there, because that hole is mine and I’m tired of being there. I’m tired of making it damp because I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop sitting there in front of the TV and seeing things that remind me of those other things and thinking that a few sobbing breaths is going to magically fix it.
Or anything else.
I keep saying I’m ok, I’m fine, it’s alright and I taste black because I feel like that’s the color of a lie. Maybe an offensive shade of green.
I want to breathe and I want it to be clear and I want to be ok and there’s so many things that start with I want and not enough I got.
